Just a little check-in and some therapeutic journaling from me tonight.
Today is January 24th. Twenty-four days into our new year, our new plan, our new us. We are *almost* done with the first baby step of the Dave Ramsey fund and by this time next week we should have the last of our baby emergency fund and start snowballing our debt. We also got our W2 forms back this week, so we are ready to rock out our taxes and add that refund into the mix as well. So far, so good on that front! We've had a couple slip-ups in our budget, but nothing major and are still mostly on track in every category except groceries. And good heaven - how much food does a seven year old boy need to eat?!?! By cutting out our eating out we have been going through food like crazy. Apparently I had no clue how much food we really eat over the course of a month. Right now I have about $4 left in my grocery envelope for the month, and need to go shopping. But we almost made it! Next month I'm going to have to be a bit more generous while creating the budget!
I've also been doing pretty good about getting to the Y. I have really started to look forward to the nights I am able to get away and go for a run. I turn on my playlist and put on headphones and for 30 blissfull minutes no one is talking to me or touching me. It's just me, my music, and the hum of the treadmill. I *love* it. It's almost therapeutic after the chaos of the day.
I also have given up something else - I've given up thinking I can fix my oldest child. We have suspected there was something not normal about him since he was a toddler when he would punch himself in the face when he was frustrated, and the way he only walked on his toes, and the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. He is seven now and still has a lot of anger issues and gets set-off really easily over things and struggles. He struggles so much with not knowing how to control his body. He just vibrates around the house, and when he is angry he is 65 pounds and 4 feet of uncontrollable energy. He just doesn't know or understand how to help himself. Lately the biggest struggle has been clothes. He has gone through four pairs of shoes in the last six months because he insists they need to be tied so tightly that the little holes where the laces go break. He *hates* wearing jeans because they make him feel "unsafe" (his words, not mine) and insists on wearing a belt as tight as humanly possible - except not in the car. Because if the belt and the seat belt are on at the same time, that is also unsafe. And if the seat belt is not tight enough - unsafe. And if his shoes aren't tight enough - unsafe. He is very bright and gifted, so we've always just chalked his quirks up to being a misunderstood genius, but the time has come to admit that I need help. I give up trying to do it on my own. Trying to meet his needs. On Tuesday we go for an evaluation for Occupational Therapy. We suspect that he has Sensory Processing Disorder, but if I'm being honest here I'm still not sure he doesn't fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping will come out of his evaluation, or what they will even be able to do for me. Sometimes I wonder if it is nothing but bad parenting on my part. But if that's the case - wouldn't all three kids be like this? They all have their not-so-desirable qualities, but don't we all? My oldest is in a league of his own. So Tuesday we go get someone else's opinion on my own kid. I hate admitting that I can't do it anymore. I don't know what to do to help my own child. I am his MOM. I am supposed to be the one with the "magic mommy kisses" (that's what he used to call them) that can save the world. I haven't been able to do anything to help him in months. It's a daily struggle to just make it through the day till bedtime without walking out the door. I love that kid more than life itself, but something needs to give. And hopefully we are on our way to getting the help he needs.
I know it's only 24 days into the program we have set for ourselves, but I am realizing each day that this is no quick fix. This is a process. And it's going to be a while before we are going to be able to come out on the other side of the mess we've made.
If you're there, God, I could really use some help.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
I Give Up.
I give up.
I've said those words a lot in recent years. "I give up trying to be skinny." "I give up trying to get out of debt" "I give up trying to make my kids behave." "I give up." And honestly in my darkest days I have actually thought about giving it all up. Just walking out the door and never coming back. Leaving the kids, my husband, our house, our debt all behind and just starting over. Sometimes starting over just feels easier. Washing your hands of it all at once and starting fresh, a new slate.
But giving up is never the answer.
This is the year I give up the little things to gain the big things. I know, how cliche - starting all this in the new year. I know how many New Years Resolutions fail. I know how many of *my* resolutions fail. But I also know how much I cannot afford to let this one.
On the outside, we look like we live a good life. And really, we do. I am super blessed with three beautiful, spunky, smart children. I have a dedicated, hard-working, good-looking husband. We own a home in the suburbs in a great town - top 5 of our state! I run a mostly successful photography business. We homeschool our children.
But if you look underneath you might see a different story. We are more than $50,000 in debt. We have no savings. I am 210 pound housewife who gets through the day by eating secret stashes of chocolate hidden in the freezer. I feel like my world is spiraling out of control around me. We suspect my oldest child has Sensory Processing Disorder and some days are a constant battle of meeting his needs while neglecting the needs of everyone else. And let's not even get started on my inability to keep up with the housework.
But this year I give up.
I give up stuff - less stuff means less to clean up. Less in storage. Less clutter. Less to move one day. I am mostly following the KonMari method of decluttering. I have been doing this off and on for the last year and every batch of stuff that makes its way to the garbage or Goodwill I feel a little more weight off my shoulders. But I still have a long way to go, so this year I will give it up.
I give up spending. All the debt didn't create itself overnight (well, that huge car loan kinda did. But that's another story) and neither will getting rid of it. Our goal is to cut that number by half this year. And that won't be easy. That is a LOT of money. But once it is all gone it will mean a LOT of freedom! Dave Ramsey to the rescue. We have our budget and it is bare bones. But sacrifice now will reap the benefits later. Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later, right? So I give up. I give up eating out, I give up frivolous purchases, I give up retail therapy. I give it up.
I give up focusing on the number on the scale. I know I need to loose weight, but every time I step on that scale it sends me into a spiral of "why do I even bother?". Three kids, three c-sections, and 8 years of putting their needs first has taken it's toll on my body. I weigh the same today as I did the day I gave birth to my oldest. And I'm not pregnant. Running a 5K is something I've always wanted to do, but I haven't even ran as much as a mile since I was in college. But this year I give up feeling week. Feeling like I "can't". Because I CAN. Maybe not tomorrow, but with work it will happen. So I give up lazy afternoons on the couch. I give up the excuses. I give up feeling unworthy of taking time for myself. I give it up.
I give it all up.
I've said those words a lot in recent years. "I give up trying to be skinny." "I give up trying to get out of debt" "I give up trying to make my kids behave." "I give up." And honestly in my darkest days I have actually thought about giving it all up. Just walking out the door and never coming back. Leaving the kids, my husband, our house, our debt all behind and just starting over. Sometimes starting over just feels easier. Washing your hands of it all at once and starting fresh, a new slate.
But giving up is never the answer.
This is the year I give up the little things to gain the big things. I know, how cliche - starting all this in the new year. I know how many New Years Resolutions fail. I know how many of *my* resolutions fail. But I also know how much I cannot afford to let this one.
On the outside, we look like we live a good life. And really, we do. I am super blessed with three beautiful, spunky, smart children. I have a dedicated, hard-working, good-looking husband. We own a home in the suburbs in a great town - top 5 of our state! I run a mostly successful photography business. We homeschool our children.
But if you look underneath you might see a different story. We are more than $50,000 in debt. We have no savings. I am 210 pound housewife who gets through the day by eating secret stashes of chocolate hidden in the freezer. I feel like my world is spiraling out of control around me. We suspect my oldest child has Sensory Processing Disorder and some days are a constant battle of meeting his needs while neglecting the needs of everyone else. And let's not even get started on my inability to keep up with the housework.
But this year I give up.
I give up stuff - less stuff means less to clean up. Less in storage. Less clutter. Less to move one day. I am mostly following the KonMari method of decluttering. I have been doing this off and on for the last year and every batch of stuff that makes its way to the garbage or Goodwill I feel a little more weight off my shoulders. But I still have a long way to go, so this year I will give it up.
I give up spending. All the debt didn't create itself overnight (well, that huge car loan kinda did. But that's another story) and neither will getting rid of it. Our goal is to cut that number by half this year. And that won't be easy. That is a LOT of money. But once it is all gone it will mean a LOT of freedom! Dave Ramsey to the rescue. We have our budget and it is bare bones. But sacrifice now will reap the benefits later. Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later, right? So I give up. I give up eating out, I give up frivolous purchases, I give up retail therapy. I give it up.
I give up focusing on the number on the scale. I know I need to loose weight, but every time I step on that scale it sends me into a spiral of "why do I even bother?". Three kids, three c-sections, and 8 years of putting their needs first has taken it's toll on my body. I weigh the same today as I did the day I gave birth to my oldest. And I'm not pregnant. Running a 5K is something I've always wanted to do, but I haven't even ran as much as a mile since I was in college. But this year I give up feeling week. Feeling like I "can't". Because I CAN. Maybe not tomorrow, but with work it will happen. So I give up lazy afternoons on the couch. I give up the excuses. I give up feeling unworthy of taking time for myself. I give it up.
I give it all up.
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