Just a little check-in and some therapeutic journaling from me tonight.
Today is January 24th. Twenty-four days into our new year, our new plan, our new us. We are *almost* done with the first baby step of the Dave Ramsey fund and by this time next week we should have the last of our baby emergency fund and start snowballing our debt. We also got our W2 forms back this week, so we are ready to rock out our taxes and add that refund into the mix as well. So far, so good on that front! We've had a couple slip-ups in our budget, but nothing major and are still mostly on track in every category except groceries. And good heaven - how much food does a seven year old boy need to eat?!?! By cutting out our eating out we have been going through food like crazy. Apparently I had no clue how much food we really eat over the course of a month. Right now I have about $4 left in my grocery envelope for the month, and need to go shopping. But we almost made it! Next month I'm going to have to be a bit more generous while creating the budget!
I've also been doing pretty good about getting to the Y. I have really started to look forward to the nights I am able to get away and go for a run. I turn on my playlist and put on headphones and for 30 blissfull minutes no one is talking to me or touching me. It's just me, my music, and the hum of the treadmill. I *love* it. It's almost therapeutic after the chaos of the day.
I also have given up something else - I've given up thinking I can fix my oldest child. We have suspected there was something not normal about him since he was a toddler when he would punch himself in the face when he was frustrated, and the way he only walked on his toes, and the meltdowns. Oh, the meltdowns. He is seven now and still has a lot of anger issues and gets set-off really easily over things and struggles. He struggles so much with not knowing how to control his body. He just vibrates around the house, and when he is angry he is 65 pounds and 4 feet of uncontrollable energy. He just doesn't know or understand how to help himself. Lately the biggest struggle has been clothes. He has gone through four pairs of shoes in the last six months because he insists they need to be tied so tightly that the little holes where the laces go break. He *hates* wearing jeans because they make him feel "unsafe" (his words, not mine) and insists on wearing a belt as tight as humanly possible - except not in the car. Because if the belt and the seat belt are on at the same time, that is also unsafe. And if the seat belt is not tight enough - unsafe. And if his shoes aren't tight enough - unsafe. He is very bright and gifted, so we've always just chalked his quirks up to being a misunderstood genius, but the time has come to admit that I need help. I give up trying to do it on my own. Trying to meet his needs. On Tuesday we go for an evaluation for Occupational Therapy. We suspect that he has Sensory Processing Disorder, but if I'm being honest here I'm still not sure he doesn't fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping will come out of his evaluation, or what they will even be able to do for me. Sometimes I wonder if it is nothing but bad parenting on my part. But if that's the case - wouldn't all three kids be like this? They all have their not-so-desirable qualities, but don't we all? My oldest is in a league of his own. So Tuesday we go get someone else's opinion on my own kid. I hate admitting that I can't do it anymore. I don't know what to do to help my own child. I am his MOM. I am supposed to be the one with the "magic mommy kisses" (that's what he used to call them) that can save the world. I haven't been able to do anything to help him in months. It's a daily struggle to just make it through the day till bedtime without walking out the door. I love that kid more than life itself, but something needs to give. And hopefully we are on our way to getting the help he needs.
I know it's only 24 days into the program we have set for ourselves, but I am realizing each day that this is no quick fix. This is a process. And it's going to be a while before we are going to be able to come out on the other side of the mess we've made.
If you're there, God, I could really use some help.
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