I Give Up.

I give up. 

I've said those words a lot in recent years.  "I give up trying to be skinny."  "I give up trying to get out of debt"  "I give up trying to make my kids behave."  "I give up."  And honestly in my darkest days I have actually thought about giving it all up.  Just walking out the door and never coming back.  Leaving the kids, my husband, our house, our debt all behind and just starting over.  Sometimes starting over just feels easier.  Washing your hands of it all at once and starting fresh, a new slate.

But giving up is never the answer.

This is the year I give up the little things to gain the big things.  I know, how cliche - starting all this in the new year.  I know how many New Years Resolutions fail.  I know how many of *my* resolutions fail.  But I also know how much I cannot afford to let this one.

On the outside, we look like we live a good life.  And really, we do.  I am super blessed with three beautiful, spunky, smart children.  I have a dedicated, hard-working, good-looking husband.  We own a home in the suburbs in a great town - top 5 of our state!  I run a mostly successful photography business.  We homeschool our children.

But if you look underneath you might see a different story.  We are more than $50,000 in debt.  We have no savings.  I am 210 pound housewife who gets through the day by eating secret stashes of chocolate hidden in the freezer.  I feel like my world is spiraling out of control around me.  We suspect my oldest child has Sensory Processing Disorder and some days are a constant battle of meeting his needs while neglecting the needs of everyone else.  And let's not even get started on my inability to keep up with the housework.

But this year I give up.

I give up stuff - less stuff means less to clean up.  Less in storage.  Less clutter.  Less to move one day.  I am mostly following the KonMari method of decluttering.  I have been doing this off and on for the last year and every batch of stuff that makes its way to the garbage or Goodwill I feel a little more weight off my shoulders.  But I still have a long way to go, so this year I will give it up.

I give up spending.  All the debt didn't create itself overnight (well, that huge car loan kinda did.  But that's another story) and neither will getting rid of it.  Our goal is to cut that number by half this year.  And that won't be easy.  That is a LOT of money.  But once it is all gone it will mean a LOT of freedom!  Dave Ramsey to the rescue.  We have our budget and it is bare bones.  But sacrifice now will reap the benefits later.  Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later, right?  So I give up.  I give up eating out, I give up frivolous purchases, I give up retail therapy.  I give it up.

I give up focusing on the number on the scale.  I know I need to loose weight, but every time I step on that scale it sends me into a spiral of "why do I even bother?".  Three kids, three c-sections, and 8 years of putting their needs first has taken it's toll on my body.  I weigh the same today as I did the day I gave birth to my oldest.  And I'm not pregnant.  Running a 5K is something I've always wanted to do, but I haven't even ran as much as a mile since I was in college.  But this year I give up feeling week.  Feeling like I "can't".  Because I CAN.  Maybe not tomorrow, but with work it will happen.  So I give up lazy afternoons on the couch.  I give up the excuses.  I give up feeling unworthy of taking time for myself.  I give it up.

I give it all up.